Not a Keeper

I claw at my throat
but it’s no use
I still cannot
begin to breathe

Half a life
slammed shut
in a dusty book
and shelved
only for future
generations
to look back on

Saved
by only me
and me alone

You are not a keeper
of memories
nor my heart

Always easy for you
to throw away
people
places
and things

Still
it is unsettling
sitting curbside
with the rubbish

Let Me Be

I don’t need you
  second guessing my happiness
  and judging my choices in life
  because I haven’t taken the same path as you.
The same path that we travelled together
  hand in hand
  for so many years.
If that path were still for me
  don’t you think that you would still be for me too?
                        (No)
I ventured off that path for a reason
  and we will both be better for it.
You can thank me later
  but for now,
  let me live in peace.


(February 7, 2012)

The Writing On The Wall

I will not lie.
Though I have moved on
and my heart has been
fully captured by another,
My breath was caught,
my stomach dropped
and I felt a twinge of pain
when I saw the words
“I love you”
written on your wall
in the ink
of another girl’s pen.

(December 28, 2011)

Whirlpool of Oblivion

I can taste the salty sweetness
        of tears upon my lips.
Lightly sweetened by love and hope.
        but brutally salted by the harshness of reality.
Though the water is hot, I stand frozen,
        as I watch the whirlpool
        that carries my dreams into oblivion.


(December 13, 2011)

Lost

I feel very lost
in this chaotic life now.
How do i find home?


(December 12, 2011)

Here

How did we get here
here where nothing comes easy
and everything hurts

Here where love matters
no more and heartache blossoms
hideous flowers

Here where right and wrong
is blurred in favor of anger
and resentment stirs

Here where you are a
stranger in a new life now
and I fight alone


(December 12, 2011)

Not Even Air

After what felt like years of growing further
and further into ourselves
withdrawing from each other
each into the warm cocoon of comfort that
only our own skin can provide
because you know that your own skin
is never going to make you feel less.
Less than what you had hoped for.
Less than what you had dreamed.
Less than what was planned.
Less than every wish
that you ever threw at any star 
in the cosmos…hoping upon hope
that some spirit in the universe would grab 
onto it and make it come true.
And so I walked. Hoping we could still be friends.
I gathered what dignity and self respect
that I had left and packed it with the little
bits of hope for future that remained
and I shut the door on what once was.

And now, six months later
I’ve begun to live again.
And I love again.
And I hope again.
But now, on my horizon
is the final end to us.
One last step to complete dissolution
of what once was.
Nothing can prepare you 
for these feelings.
For the heartbreak that is felt
as you can feel the book closing
and the pages fitting more and more
tightly together
until there is no longer room for anything.
Not even air.
And for what feels like a million pound,
Ten day death march
to a funeral that I requested
when I walked out the door.


(December 7, 2011)

What We Were

I’m not sure,
If a day will come,
When my heart will not endure,
A hairline fracture,
Each time that I think of you.
  
You never hesitate to remind me
I was the one that walked away.
But I left what we had become…
Not what we were.
I left the vast cavern of emptiness
That had begun to fill the space between us…
Not the close friends that once shared dreams.
Not the man that knew my everything.
I left the strangers that we grew awkwardly into,
And the indifferent lives we had begun to lead.
Not the way we were, for a moment in time,
Two people, partners, moving in harmony.
 
I’m not even sure what hurts more…
To think of what we had become,
What we were,
Or the unfulfilled promise,
Of what we had hoped to be.

(Originally November 18, 2011)