Inner Medley

Random Thoughts Tuesday

2009-12-01T16:52:00.000-05:00

I am forgetful. I am beyond forgetful. I am kicking myself at this very moment because, once again, for like the 6th month in a row, I am nearly falling asleep ALL DAY LONG because my dumb ass forgets that I need a monthly B12 injection until I start feeling the ramifications of skipping my B12 injection. Awesome. I was supposed to grab this while I was home for the weekend, but I forgot (*gasp*) and now I'll have to wait until this weekend when my husband heads up this way. This means that I will have to give laymen's directions as to where they are hiding...which is sure to cause some sort of bickering.

I can't wait until our family is back together again. My husband is stressed. My father-in-law is getting annoyed by the presence of additional people in his home for 2 months. My daughter is moody...PMS type moody, actually. It's like an emotional toddler roller coaster that nobody told me to freaking buckle up for. I know she's all sorts of confused right now because we're at grandmas, then we're home, then grandma's, then home, then grandma's then home, blah blah blah. It's caused her to become a huge Momma's girl, which is kind of nice and kind of suffocating. I'm currently taking advantage of the fact that I have my mother-in-law there and willing to let me go out after pumpkin is in bed. I'm catching up with friends and I'm enjoying some time to myself in the evenings. Maybe I'm the only one not suffering right now. That either makes me completely selfish or in-human. I'm not sure which is worse.

While driving down the road the other day I nearly ran into an idiot. For realsies. I'm on a 6 lane road doing about 55 mph and this moron goes running across all 6 lanes of traffic to get to the other side. Once he gets across the road (after causing several of us to slam on our brakes), he walks calmly into the Psychic Shop right there. Yup, the Psychic Shop. I wouldn't lie. I hope she told him he should stop pressing his luck.

That reminds me...Why did the idiot cross the road?

Just kidding. Lame, I know. I couldn't resist though.

Did I mention yet that Meadow got into a jar of Vicks a week ago? If not, yup, she did. Funniest and most frustrating experience ever. She emptied the entire tub of it (which really, is just Vaseline) onto her head. She looked like a total greaser. You wouldn't even believe it. I think I kept all of my Facebook friends & family entertained that weekend as I posted updates and asked for help. It was on about 1/2 of her head, then I tried washing it out with regular shampoo (4 times), but no luck. The warm water actually spread it so that it covered all of her hair. It's the hot new look, I tell ya. Then I tried dish soap, 4 times, before realizing, "hello idiot, you buy Method, this wouldn't harm a fly." Then once more, I washed her hair w/regular shampoo. After a few hours and some googling, we tried rubbing cornstarch into her hair and then washing that out with my clarifying shampoo. This didn't do a darn thing. Then later that night, I did the cornstarch and clarifying shampoo again a few more times...nothing. Took her to a local hair chain the next day and they said for $3.00 they could try their clarifying shampoo, which would probably be stronger than mine. They washed her hair like 6 more times and it was about 50% better than when we walked in, but still looked pretty nappy. By now, she's pissed and her poor little head hurts, and I'm praying to God that she's learned her lesson and won't ever put anything in her hair again (doubtful). We decide to just let it wear out, just wash it in the evening during her bath. This started Saturday morning and by the following Saturday, she looked pretty good. I can tell, because I know...but no one else would notice. The best part is she's earned a new nickname...Slick. I hope it sticks. She totally deserves it.

I was doing really great with my eating and everything...for about a month. I had only lost like 5 lbs, but my pants were fitting great and my muffin top was gone. I LOVED not having a muffin top! Who wants baked goods stapled around their waist, right? Last Tuesday night, my grandparents, whom we see like every 4 years, wanted to meet all of the family at a restaurant about 1/2 way between us for dinner. Oh. My. God. Seriously...if you ever see a restaurant the shape of a barn, run the other way...I kid you not when I say that if you don't, you will most definitely come out Moo'ing. My stomach HATED me that night after the food that they served. Everything was just filled with salt and fat and fat and salt. Blah. Makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. Also...I am NOT exaggerating when I tell you that my muffin top was back the very next morning and that bastard is like glued on this time. Maybe Goo Gone would work...?

Thanksgiving Eve, I met up with my oldest friend. We've been friends since 6th grade and were pretty much inseparable for about 4-5 years even though our families kept moving all over. We spent the summers together and as many weekends as we could. It was FABULOUS to meet up with her. Just this past year, she moved to the town we are moving back to. For the 1st time in our entire relationship, we will actually live in the same town. I don't even know what to think of that. We've always been the type of friends that go for a couple years even without talking and are always able to still pick right back up with each other without missing a beat. Hopefully, now that we'll actually be near each other, we'll be able to get back to the way things used to be. She now has a daughter that is just a little less than 2 years younger than Meadow and how cool would it be if our kids could grow up together?

With my childhood BFF in my life again and the BFF that I'll never part with (you know who you are!), I feel unstoppable! :)

**********

Currently Listening To:

Love Song by 311

It's been stuck in my head all day. Not sure why.

Back to our Roots...

2009-11-29T08:37:00.001-05:00

When my husband and I first moved in together (9+ years ago), our first apartment was in the town he grew up in. Then when we bought our first house, it was in that same town. When we sold that house (3 years later) and moved 30 minutes south to be closer to both of our offices, my mother-in-law bought the house from us simply for the view (3,000 acres of state land in the backyard). After living in our 2nd house for 4 years, we gave that up as well and moved even closer to my husband's work...which put us about 1 1/2 hours from our family and friends.

Do you ever feel unsettled where you are...whether it's at home, about life in general, your current situation? That's how I've felt for quite awhile. When we first moved closer to my husband's work early this year, I was fine, but once all of that happened with my diagnosis and all of that...I no longer felt content with where we were. I just ignored this feeling and figured it was from being off work, out of my routine, and not feeling well.

Since I've been staying with my mother-in-law for almost 2 months while being back to work, I've been such a happy girl. Not necessarily happy about being back to work, lol, but happy again like I haven't been in years. I finally feel like my old self again and recently discovered it's from being back in our hometown and surrounded by the people we love. However, we knew that we couldn't continue living like we were, with me and Meadow living with family during the week and only home on the weekends...but my work was still refusing me a transfer.

About 10 days ago, I started telling my husband how happy I was again and how much I'm enjoying being back "home." I told him that I felt like we should move back if the opportunity should prevent itself (since his job is in limbo and all). At first he resisted...a lot. So this past Monday, I had started looking into typing up a resignation letter for work and found out who it needed to go to. I was going to hand this in the very next day. The whole situation didn't feel "right" and I didn't think it was what we should be doing...but I knew it was what our family needed because we just couldn't go on the way we'd been.

Later, that same day, my husband called me at work and told me not to do it. He'd had a change of heart and he'd decided he'd give up his job so that we could move "home." I was SO excited I thought I was going to jump out of my skin! Ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe it.

Of course, making this decision changed everything...but I'm ok with that. It means that if nothing happens at my husband's work by the end of January (he's waiting for a transfer to their new sister company but the relationship between management at the two companies has become strained and is an issue) he will be quitting...unless he's laid off before then, of course. Since he will no longer be at his high paying job, this means we can no longer afford for me to think about staying home with Meadow. I'm ok with this. I will be staying at my job, that pays relatively well for what it is, and my husband will find something with better hours in town because once my hourly restriction falls off, my hours are going to get crazy.

It is a complete role reversal...he'll be the one doing all of the school pick-ups and drop-offs while I'll be the one working more but I think this is going to work for us. We are really enjoying the idea of going back to a "simpler" life and not having so much stressors. Plus, we'll be by our family and friends again - our support group - the people that really make us happy. So we feel like it's a worthwhile exchange and are very much looking forward to the change of pace.

Even better news...after only a week of looking, we found the PERFECT house for us to rent. In the future, the owner said we could even do a land contract if we still love the house. My husband and I have always been huge water people...so this is fabulous. We found a house on a lake in the "lake town" we are moving back to. We are beyond ecstatic. When you drive up, the house is nothing special...looks like a plain old ranch that happens to be on a lake. When you step inside, you are AMAZED. It has a huge, open living room and kitchen with vaulted ceilings and huge beams running across the ceiling. It has 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, and is about 2300 square feet with windows all along the lakeside of the house, providing an amazing view.

So...that's what I've been up to. Sorry I've been so distracted and absent, but I've had good reason. We are very excited about moving back to our roots and where we've always been happiest so I'm sure you will hear more about it in the next few weeks as things start to wrap up. It feels so good to finally be following my heart again!
*****

Currently Listening To:
Beautiful Day by U2

Random Thoughts Tuesday

2009-11-17T18:04:00.000-05:00

My husband gave me the green light to quit my job. Why am I sort of freezing up now? Isn't this what I've been waiting for? Anyone that's been reading my blog for any length of time knows that's been my plan/goal to begin with. I think I have the teeniest case of "The grass is always greener on the other side." Ok...so maybe that's not true. It's a HUGE case of it. In every aspect of my life. It's horrible. LOL

I got a Blackberry earlier this year when I switched from Sprint to T-Mobile. I had a Palm Centro with Sprint and I loved it, so it felt natural to switch to the Blackberry at the time. Especially since I had intended on reconnecting to the network with my phone if I went back to work and they only connected to Blackberrys now. So I got a Blackberry. And I hate it. I hate to say that out loud because people look at me like I just say I killed my own dog or something...but it's true. I hate my Blackberry. I really do. I bought it for only $10 since we got a discount through my husband's employer and I never connected it to the Blackberry network because I didn't need to until I was returning to work. Now that I'm back to work, I don't want to be connected to work. At all. LOL. When I walk out the door, I want to leave all that crap there and not think about it until tomorrow morning.

The fact that I hate this $300 (?) phone (his selective memory allows him to forget the fact that it cost us $10) that is still pretty new is outrageous to my husband and he's so frustrated that I didn't just pick a simpler phone at the time. Now, all I want is a phone easy for texting...the rest, I could care less about. Text maniac, I am, though. I told him next time I'm making a large purchase, I'll consult my crystal ball to see how I'll feel about my choice a few months down the road.

I got a new phone yesterday. Finally, after bitching about mine for months and months...see #2. So, I now have a Gravity 2, from T-Mobile and so far, I'm liking it. I am back to a full keyboard and that makes my flaming, texting fingers happy. So, those of you that are my real life friends as well, watch out...I'm back in action. ;) You've been warned.

Speaking of which (see #2 & #3), I now have a Blackberry Flip for sale. Interested??? No? What the hell, worth a shot. Maybe I can sell it to one of the crackberry addicts I work with...

I've decided that Starbucks needs an office or room in the back of their store for employees. I've never been in the back of a Starbucks, so I really have no idea what is back there. I'd imagine it's a storage room of sorts. I've certainly been spending plenty of time in Starbucks in general lately...especially the one right by my office...and this is just something I've observed. Last week, I was sitting in Starbucks and there was an employee making some decorations for the store at the table I usually sit at. No biggie...I could care less. So long as I can sit near a plug, I'm happy. Then, more and more employees come in and eventually they've taken all of the tables except for 1 and put them together in the middle of the room and are having a store meeting. During business hours. I'm cool with that...I understand having to do this during business hours...but they were using ALL the tables. The one that they had left alone was being occupied by two kids that came with some of the employees. I was in one of the lounge chairs during this meeting and a guy that had been sitting at a table got up and sat in the other lounge chair next to me once they stole all the extra chairs from his table. At that point, I looked at him and said I felt like I was crashing a party...it was all kind of bizarre.

Then, tonight while I'm here, there is a 4 seater table by a wall (with a plug) and it is occupied by 1 employee conducting a job interview. All of the other tables in the store were occupied as well. I ended up joining a table where a student was being tutored...but I couldn't use my laptop for the first 60 minutes that I was here because of the plug situation. About 30 minutes of this time, the table was unoccupied but was covered with Starbucks literature...so nobody could sit at it anyway.

It just seems that having an area in the back of the store available for employees to conduct these types of things would be much more pleasant for the customer. Granted, I did enjoy eavesdropping on their store meeting a bit...but they had several customers come in and purchase coffee during the meeting that may have intended on staying for a bit had their been a seat available. So, you head honchos at Starbucks...you might want to do something about this. If you'd like to pay me for spotting this situation and bringing it to your attention so that you can improve your customer service, you know how to contact me. ;)

In all the time I've been spending at Starbucks (see #5) to meet the needs of my internet addiction with their free Wi-Fi, it seems I've developed a coffee addiction as well. This could be a problem...

**********

Currently Listening To:

You and I by Ingrid Michaelson

I know I've mentioned her before...I adore her music. I just love this song. It's so playful and cute.

Okay - and I'll be honest, my fave part of the song is "maybe I think you're cute and funny, maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean." Makes me giggle every time. You know, I'm mature like that though.

Crazy: Best When Shared Between Friends

2009-11-15T07:12:00.000-05:00

My Bestie and I work at the same company and completely take advantage of the company IM system to keep ourselves sane during the day. We pretty much chat on and off all day about anything and everything and most of the time this leads to fits of laughter that make my coworkers around me wonder if I've been spiking my slushies (don't think this hasn't crossed my mind. I mean, when you put a few slushy machines in an office, you're just asking for it.) Below is a conversation we had last week.

My Bestie called me laughing about this chubster of a squirrel that had turned taken up residency on their front porch since pumpkins seemed to be his favorite meal. Twice already, she'd gone outside to clean off her porch to clean up the confetti that he'd turned a couple of their Halloween pumpkins into...but it didn't matter, he kept coming back for more. Apparently, he was dead set on eating ALL of their pumpkins.

The following is the IM conversation just after lunchtime of that very same day...While reading this, I also think it's important for you to know that her family lives in a condo and they have the most batshit crazy neighbors ever.

Bestie: Remember we had this big fat squirrel that was eating our pumpkins?

Me: You were telling me about the little chunker. Is he back again???

Bestie: He just had a heart attack and died. I'M NOT KIDDING. He just croaked in front of our house.

Me: OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Bestie: He died from overeating. It's a sign.

Me: NO FREAKING WAY!

Bestie: I'm not kidding. Hubby saw him when he came in the house. He was eating the pumpkins then he ran into the street right in front here and flopped over. Hubby's like, "Is he sleeping?" So he went over to him and he was all stiff and didn't move.

Me: lmao - he plays dead? Awwww...that's horrible!

Bestie: Hubby just flung him into the woods with a stick so the kids don't have to watch it.

Me: OMG - it's horrifying but I can't stop laughing for some reason.

Bestie: I know, Hubby and I were laughing. I feel bad for the little thing though.

Me: No kidding.

Bestie: But it is kind of funny like in a sick way.

Later the same day...

Me: I just sent you a pretty interesting link.

Bestie: I saw. I haven't read it yet though.

Me: Of course...cause I then immediately had to IM you. lol

Bestie: Holy phone numbers. Look at your sig line.

Me: No freaking crap. They make us have all that crap on it.

Me: I want junk food.

Bestie: Think of the squirrel.

Me: LMAO OMG!

Bestie: My poor dear friend died of gluttony (the squirrel). God just told me to go on a diet.

Me: Awww...he needs a name. Maybe Pumpkin?

Bestie: Ok. Awwwwww. That's perfect.

Me: No, nevermind. I call both Meadow and your kids that.

Bestie: Ok. Hmmmmm.

Me: Lol...it is perfect though. Maybe we should use it.

Bestie: I took pictures of him this morning.

Me: You did?! lol

Bestie: Yeah cause I thought he was funny. We can have a memorial.

Me: OMG! lmao. Awwwwwww.

Bestie: This was before he fell over.

Me: Of course.

Bestie: I'm going to make a cross and put his pic on it and put it outside. Give the neighbors something to talk about.

Me: ARE YOU FOR REAL? omg. I'm dying over here. lol.

Bestie: lmao. No, I'm laughing.

Me: Could you imagine?

Bestie: Then I could be the crazy squirrel lady.

Me: lmao.

Bestie: They can tell stories about us when we're gone.

Me: You could even start a neighborhood organization for the overeater animals.

Bestie: To the new owners, "Yeah, that lady was crazy, she made a shrine for a dead squirrel." No kidding.

Me: LMAO

**********

Currently Listening To:

Time to Pretend by MGMT

Random thoughts, better late than never, right?

2009-11-11T14:01:00.000-05:00

*****I had this ready to post yesterday but I lost my wi-fi connection. Here it is...a day late but better late than never!*****

I've recently discovered that if I sing my heart out...like American Idol style...on my ride in to work, I arrive in a much better mood. Yesterday was Michael Buble and today was Madonna...I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Unfortunately, my toddler doesn't share this same love of my new hobby...fortunately, she's not the boss. :)

My BFF and I have the most insane conversations on our work IM system. We've often joked about using them as blog posts...and I even saved our last conversation of ridiculous measures...but I'm kind of afraid that people will just think we're more insane than funny. Which might be true...

I've begun to see that once again I'm identifying myself with my job. This isn't good. I must learn to value myself for my talents and who I am instead so that when the job is gone (by choice or not), I won't fall into a pit of despair...which I felt like I did this summer when I was out on disability.

I've begun spending a lot of time at Starbucks for the use of their free wi-fi. I'm still staying with my MIL during the week and can't connect to their internet so really, it's the only way for me to get things done. The problem with this is...I'm not sure how much I'm actually getting done while at Starbucks either. Apparently, I have an affinity for eavesdropping but am not great at multi-tasking while doing so.

Since staying with my MIL, I've taken up watching the news each morning while I have my coffee. Apparently, it no longer depresses me or makes me fear for my life (thank you, Prozac). I have noticed though, that I've begun to really dislike certain people that report the news. It makes me wonder how the hell they got where they are in their career...I mean, I can't be the only person that has developed a sincere dislike for some of these tv personalities, can I? One in particular has me wanting to stick a pencil in my eye and then use said pencil to also burst my eardrums. I'm not talking about local news stations...I'm talking national news programs. But alas, it's not my house, my remote, or my tv...so I'll just suck it up.

I still don't know what I need to do with my job or how to afford to do what I want to do.

*cue world's smallest violin here*

Currently Listening To...

Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Michael Buble

***swoon***

He's cute as hell and can sing his ass off...what's not to love?

Gratitude

2009-11-06T22:01:00.007-05:00

Lately, with everything in my life so upside down and backwards, I've been trying to focus on the positive. For me, this means spending lots of time in moments of gratitude.

This may be partially due to the fact that I'm currently reading "The Secret" which part of me wants to think is mumbo jumbo and the other part of me wants it to be true. Who the hell knows.

So in the morning, while I brush my teeth I spend the time finding a few things to be thankful for. While I drive to work, I remind myself of more things I am grateful for. Sometimes even throughout my day, I'm doing this as well. It helps me to relax and to not stress over the little things. I'm findi ng that I'm not as easily agitated, which is nice.

Obviously, the things that I'm grateful for depend on the moment or the day, but there are some solid consistencies. Lately, the constants on my gratitude list seem to be:

Meadow. She's so sweet and caring, funny and talkative, smart and sassy. She's just a joy most of the time, even if I do complain on here. :)
My husband. We have our ups and downs, just like everyone else, but we've been through a lot together and I sincerely hope we have it in us to remain a strong team.
My vision. Yes, I've lost a lot of my lower vision and peripheral vision due to my illness...but I can still see. I can't imagine what life would be like without this gift. I was also told at my recent visit to my Ophthalmologist this week that my Field of Vision Test shows that some of my peripheral is slowly getting better...which is fabulous since a month ago, I was told it was probably permanent since it hadn't changed by now. I think the fact that they doubled my dose has a lot to do with this.
My mother and father-in-law. They've been GREAT with Meadow and I staying there for a month now. I am really really grateful for this. We are both already exhausted as it is with all the changes in our lives recently. I can't imagine what we'd feel like if we were also spending 3+ hours in the car a day as well.
My bestie. We stay in constant contact...whether it's the internal IM system at work, email, texting, or a phone call...we're always chatting and filling each other in on life and all that goes with it. I really don't know what in the world I'd do without here. She's awesome and I'm so happy that we have each other to tackle the battles with.
My health. Staying with my mother-in-law has really opened my eyes in the way I look at the food I put in my body and the portion sizes that I eat. She recently read Jillian Michael's book "Master Your Metabolism" and has slowly started to incorporate a lot of the things in the book into her home life...which means it's been incorporated into mine as well these days. I can't even tell you how much better I feel since I've been eating less processed foods, less fast food, more fresh/raw foods, and when it's affordable, organics. It's becoming easy for me to make smart choices when it comes to food and that's always been a battle for me. That's not to say I'm behaving perfectly...I DEFINITELY still have my moments and even days where I veer off track. I just know that I'm feeling better health-wise and I'm feeling better about myself as well. Can't really ask for more than that, can you?
A good cup of coffee in the morning. My mother-in-law has got me hooked on this coffee that they sell at her work (Costco). She's even gotten me unhooked from the Fat Free French Vanilla Coffeemate creamer that I normally can't live without. Instead, we're using half & half and sugar in the raw. It's divine.

*****

On a daily basis, I receive an inspirational email from beliefnet.com. I've been getting this email for years and I go long periods of just deleting them, and then I'll start reading them again. I recently starting to pay attention to my daily inspiration emails and today, the email had about 25 quotes about gratitude in it. I found some of them to be very inspiring and quite fitting for me these days so I thought I'd share them here. I'm kind of a quote collector as it is, so forgive me if this is too many. LOL

"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"Real life isn't always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties." ~ Sara Ban Breathnach

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." ~ Buddha

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasurers." ~ Thornton Wilder

*****

So there you have it. Now you know what I'm most thankful for these days. What about you? What is it that you are grateful for at the moment?

*****

♪♫♪ Currently listening to ♪♫♪
Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg

Cute as a button and funny as hell...

2009-11-04T16:26:00.001-05:00

I'm really not trying to turn this into a Mommy Blog, I promise, but this is getting to be too much.

This morning, Meadow told me I wasn't the boss. I turned around and was like "Oh you better BELIEVE I'm the boss." I was floored. LOL. This was all because I had changed the station on the radio. She looked right at me and said "You're not boss, Mommy." She even pointed her finger at me.

She MUST stop feeding my own lines back to me. She's constantly saying "Are you serious, Mommy??" She says it at the best times too...like when I tell her that she has to put her shoes away or we're in the line at the grocery store and no, she can't have that ginormous candy bar the size of her head.

I might just have to stop talking at all. I mean, if she's just going to start using all my own lines against me, what's the point? Why give her ammunition?

How long before I have this on my hands (if I may be so bold as to link to Dooce...whom I love). I was reading this and cracking up laughing. I mean really, "You made me sad, and I don't know how to go on with the rest of my life." How do you deal with this without busting a gut laughing?

Then it hit me...my 2 1/2 year old is just as sassy and dramatic and smart...and I totally shouldn't be laughing because THIS WILL BE ME in 2 or 3 years. Although, I must admit, I'll be a far less paid and far less read, blogging mom with a sassy ass daughter that I have to cover my face to deal with for fear that she'll see me laughing and KNOW that's not only is she cute as can be, but she's funny as hell.

Raised by a pack of...dogs???

2009-11-01T20:37:00.005-05:00

For some people, this little story will come as no surprise. With a name like Meadow, and a nickname such as Nature Girl...we really should have seen it coming, right?

Meadow has been doing FANTASTIC with the potty training. In fact, except for the safety-net pull-up at night, I'd say she's potty trained. Even then...half the time, she wakes in the morning with a dry pull-up. She's wearing big girl underwear (if that's what you call Dora underwear) all day now...I'm quite proud. The few times she's had accidents it's been when she was having so much fun that she didn't want to stop to ask where the potty was or bother going.

So this morning, I had let the dogs out back to do their business and then the phone rang. After about 10 minutes, I heard our little dog scratching at the sliding door to come back in. Since I'm still on the phone and also in the middle of something, I ask Meadow to go let the dogs in. This is nothing new to her...she lets them in and out all the time.

This time though, instead of letting them in, she decided to join them. After I didn't hear the dogs come in or the sliding door shut, I wandered over to investigate. To my surprise, I find my darling little Meadow standing on the deck with her pajama pants in a pile around one of her ankles and a puddle of pee behind her. LOL. Apparently, she had decided if going outside was good enough for the dogs, it was good enough for her.

This child of mine...lol...what am I going to do? I was on the phone with my mom, going "OH MY GOD," and didn't have the foggiest idea what in the world to say to Meadow. Of course, I wanted to laugh hysterically...which would have been slightly inappropriate in front of Meadow since this wasn't a show I wanted a repeat of. My mom, on the other hand, couldn't stop laughing once I was able to take a deep breathe and tell her what the heck was going on.

Once I had cleaned up my daughter and my deck, I just knew this must be posted here for your reading pleasure. :)

Thanks for visiting! I'll try to post more frequently now that I'm starting to get back in the groove at work.

I Feel I Must Share the Excitement!

2009-10-29T18:07:00.000-04:00

With all of the drama that I've shared on here with my Long Term Disability claim and then denial...I feel I must share this with you.

The morning that my claim was denied, I saw my Ophthalmologist for a routine follow-up and the next day, I saw my Neurologist for a follow-up. The Ophthalmologist confirmed that the pressure was returning behind my left eye this time...which I completely suspected based on how I'd been feeling and my recent symptoms.

Of course, that evening, Matrix called to let me know that they had decided to deny my claim...after 3 months of completely dragging out the process for me. I was devastated, to say the least. The phone call that I had left me feeling like I was being looked at like one of those people that abuse the system and try to get disability when they really are capable of working...except I knew that I wasn't. I knew in my heart that I had a valid reason to have not been working and that something had gone wrong or something was missing.

Speaking of those people...how the heck do they do it??? Seriously?!? They find doctors that will write them off work for bogus back pain or something like that...I've known people like this. My ex-stepfather was/is like this. My husband works with people that have admitted to doing this as well. How do these fake illnesses get approved when I can't even get them to believe that even with my doctors backing me up, I was unable to work due to my recent diagnosis.

The day my denial letter came in the mail, I read it over and over, finding myself fuming over the things in it that were completely not true, the absurd way my illness was downplayed to "self-proclaimed blind spots" in my vision and headaches. There also appeared to be an overwhelming amount of information MISSING from this letter. As if they had only pulled a month's worth of my doctor's records when this had been going on for over 6 months.

I consulted an attorney that after looking over my stuff decided the case wouldn't be worth it to either of us. He said he'd only be able to go after 3 months of backpay and the process could take months and months. He did, however, encourage me to still appeal their decision on my own w/out the assistance of an attorney and gave me some suggestions on how to do this.

In the last week, I've been writing down things I've remembered. Comparing my notes to that of the notes in my denial letter, and dreading the fact that I was going to have to call all of my doctors and ask for a copy of my medical files. What the hell would be in these files? It really scared me.

But I didn't have to...

On Monday, I received a call from the person at Matrix that I'd dealt with all along the Long Term Disability process, the same one that had the unfortunate job of calling me to tell me that I'd been denied. She told me that she was excited because she had great news and it was rare for her to be able to call someone with good news after they'd been denied.

Apparently, my doctors had sent in updated records to Matrix after my September follow-up visits. When she received this information a few weeks later, she forwarded the records to the on-staff doctors that review files for approval/denial just to be sure she'd done all she could for me.

After reviewing these records, they reversed their decision and approved my disability application! I can't even tell you how ecstatic I was. I told her if she was in front of me, I'd kiss her. Seriously...I can breathe again. I feel confident again in my being off work for 6 months. The denial had made me start to wonder if I had been exaggerating or something and didn't really need to be off work. It had me questioning everything. No more. :) You know what makes me even happier? This means they will be cutting me a big fat check for 3 months of disability payments and might even cover the 10 hours/week that I'm missing because of my doctors restriction on my hours.

A-freaking-MEN!

♪♫♪ Currently listening to ♪♫♪

New Soul by Yael Naim

Looooooooooove it! Have loved it since I heard it on a tv commercial.

Missing My Blog...and other randomness

2009-10-24T09:45:00.001-04:00

Hello bloggy friends...I've missed you!

I've been all sorts of wrapped up lately and haven't really had a great way to access the internet...or even time really. I've missed blogging like crazy. I didn't realize how much I was enjoying it until I didn't have time for it. I'll work on fitting time it though...I'm still adjusting to being back to work and to being home only on the weekends.

I've really missed my Random Thoughts posts on Tuesdays so I thought I'd make today's post in a similar format. Not the same...just similar.

I have been SO tired that I've literally been falling asleep on the couch with my daughter around 9:00 most nights. On the weekends...I'm finding myself falling asleep on the couch in the middle of the day too. Something is sucking the life out of me. LOL

I have really been enjoying all of the time I've been able to spend with my mother-in-law. I love her to pieces and she's been more like a great friend to me over the years so all of this time with her has been great. Plus she's making sure I've been eating all of this healthy fresh food and I'm feeling great because of it.

The other day, Bamma (Meadow's name for Grandma) gave Meadow a doll that she had bought because it looked like Meadow. She was SO excited about it and loves her "baby". When Bamma asked her what her baby's name was going to be she said "Antonet" (this is how she says my name). I nearly melted. It was so stinking sweet.

It's been really great to catch-up with some of my coworkers. It's funny how the people that you work with can feel like part of your family after so long. I've been there for 7+ years...over this time, I've developed quite the work family and I didn't realize how much I'd missed them.

Our goal is still to be able to have me stay home with Meadow...we're just trying to figure out how to accomplish this. The real hurdle is the cost of healthcare through my husband's work if I quit my job. Currently, Meadow and I are under my healthcare for a very reasonable $300 or so each month. To add us to my husband's work would cost us $600/month. We did realize that it was possible for us to live off his income while I was off...tight, but possible. However, having to shell out an additional $600/month changes that. So we're just trying to figure out how this would work. We're really looking at me being back to work as a temporary thing for the time being...basically, I'm working for healthcare at the moment.

Before being forced back to work on such a short notice, I had made a goal of having 3 Etsy shops opened by the end of October. Obviously, this isn't really going to happen. I'm disappointed about that, but I'll deal with it. I haven't had any time for my creative hobbies these days except a little for my card/invitation templates. I still don't have enough to open a shop with yet though. Maybe I'll work on that while I'm home this weekend.

One thing I've realized with being back to work is that once I'm off again with Meadow, I'll need more structure. Planned activities and maybe even a bit of a schedule to follow. I was a freaking lazy bones the entire 6 months I was off work and could have accomplished a million things in that time.

I spoke with my manager about getting a transfer to our other office or just doing my regular job from there. So far, it doesn't look promising. What really pisses me off is that before I left on my medical leave, I had arrangements made so that a couple days/week were spent working from home and the rest of the time was from our office in Livonia which is about 17 miles from my house. I am now being forced to work from our other office 5 days/week, which is 50+ miles from our home. On this 50+ mile drive, I pass the Livonia office, which just infuriates me. My manager knows where I live. She knows that my circumstances have not changed since I went on leave. Since the economy started going downhill, the company I work for started to really try to help their employees with gas money and such by offering to transfer people to offices closer to their home, offering 4 day work weeks, allowing more telecommuting, and other things that would help. What the F? Why am I being told I must drive past the Livonia office to drive an additional 33 miles to Troy? And this is why I'm staying with my mother-in-law during the week. She's within 12 miles of the Troy office. If I was to drive from home to Livonia each day...because of traffic and construction, it would take about 1 1/2 hours one way. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Enough about that. It just angers me. Anyway...I'm really happy to be home with my daughter and husband this weekend. Meadow and I have missed Daddy like crazy and he's missed us. Hopefully this whole ordeal will be over with sooner than later.

On a brighter note, while home this weekend, I've decided that my favorite feature in our home is not the loft, the open floor plan, or even the cathedral ceilings...but the bottle opener that the previous tenant mounted to the side of the kitchen cabinet. It is so convenient.

Until next time...

♪♫♪ Currently listening to ♪♫♪

Paralyzer by Finger Eleven

I honestly can't get enough of this song lately.

Back to Work, Day One After 6 Months Off

2009-10-07T22:57:00.000-04:00

I've been keeping my blog fairly up to date on the drama with my health situation, my work, and the long-term disability denial. For those of you that have been following that drama...Today was my first day back at work after 6 months. SIX months.

My day went fairly easy...and I'm pretty sure they'll go easy on me for the remainder of this week as well. My doctor sent me back to work on restricted hours - no more than 6 hours/day. This is good, since 99% of the company is on mandatory 60+ hour work weeks, which is what I was working before I went on leave. Part of me felt kind of like a sissy for going back on restricted hours, but after today, I'm SO glad. There's no way in hell I could handle 8, 10, or 12 hour days right now.

I spent the first part of the morning in a short meeting with my team leader and manager discussing the new role I was going to be taking. Then spent the next 2 hours cleaning out my email, resetting my passwords, and all of that fun stuff.

The last 2 1/2 hours of the day were spent sitting with someone to train for the position I'll be working in now. It went fairly well...I am just NOT the same person I used to be. Prior to all of this, when at work, I was focused and meticulous, and things rarely slipped by me. Now, since dealing with these health issues, part of the symptoms are that I'm left feeling foggy headed, disconnected, my memory isn't that great and I'm tired quite often. This really really effected me while I was trying to train.

One of my favorite positions at this company was when I was on the Training Team. I loved that job. Today, I told the guy that's training me that I've become my worst nightmare...an unfocused trainee...I swear, I can't help it. My head just can't keep up with me.

By the time I left, after only 6 hours of my first day, I felt craptastic. My head was pounding, my eyeballs felt like they might explode from my head, the nerves at the base of my neck were going haywire, and I could hardly focus on the computer screen. I'm hoping this gets easier as I go, but who knows.

Another thing that sucks is that prior to going on leave, I had great work arrangements. I live over an hour (rush hour) from the main office. I live 25 minutes from our secondary office. I was working from the main office 1 day/week, from the closer office 2 days/week, and from home 2 days/week. Working from the main office 5 days/week just isn't going to work for me and my family. My night vision isn't so great anymore since all of this so Meadow and I are staying with my mother-in-law (30 minutes from work) during the week because the drive would be super stressful and kind of dangerous between the short amount of daylight and my decreased peripheral vision. We can't do this forever though. My mother-in-law has a husband and a life and doesn't need us here 24/7 either. Plus, we'll miss Daddy/DH and it's weird being in limbo.

I do have plans to speak with one of the VP's, my previous manager, about a couple positions open on her side of the company. These would allow me more flexibility in *where* I work from...such as the other office or possibly from home, which would be fabulous.

I'd also like to note how much I missed baby girl today. It was nice not to deal with temper tantrums and food boycotts today, but I missed her like crazy. She was such a big girl about going back to daycare though. They said she did awesome. :) That's my girl!

♪♫♪ Currently listening to ♪♫♪

Bright Side of the Road by Van Morrison

Sorry folks, couldn't find a YouTube video that wasn't a cover.

Blog Help Please...If You Could

2009-10-07T19:03:00.001-04:00

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I'd really appreciate it if you guys can leave me comments or shoot me an email letting me know if you can see my background or not and which web browser you use. I'm using my mother-in-laws pc right now and it's not showing my background. When I logged in from work earlier, I could see my background. Both of these pc's use Internet Explorer. I normally blog/connect from my mac on Safari but I can't get my computer to connect to their wireless. I just want to make sure my blog background is still working. Thanks!!!

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Random Thoughts Tuesday

2009-10-06T09:21:00.002-04:00

Our dog, Max (a boxer), has been kicked out of the bedroom. My husband moved Max's bed to the loft area right outside our room because of his snoring. The irony in this is that my husband snores just as much as the dog. LOL. Before Max was kicked out of the room, I couldn't really tell the difference because they sounded just alike. On nights when I stay up later than my husband I often find myself feeling thankful that I'm a heavy sleeper. If I wasn't, between the 2 of them, I don't know if I'd ever get a wink of sleep.

Monday seems to have been "How many things can I do to piss off Mommy" day. I'm hoping to God that today is not a sequel to yesterday because I really don't think I could handle it. Let's see...My little booger was found putting washcloths in the toilet, wringing them out on the bathroom floor, and then using them to clean the walls. Blech! The sad part is, I'm not sure what was dirtier, the toilet water, or the walls. I also found her taking drinks from my water and spitting it back into the cup, um, thanks Meadow. In retrospect, it is probably my fault for not paying her as much attention as normal. The issues with my work and the attorneys seemed to consume most of my time. Oh, and then there's this evil thing called The Internet.

For years, my husband's goal in life has been to get us near the ocean. We are both huge water lovers and have lived on, or really close to, inland lakes pretty much all of our lives (being in MI, that's not too hard). The past couple years, he's joked that our next move will be to Florida. That time may have come sooner than either of us thought. Really, we assumed it would be when we were older and we would have a summer home in Northern MI and a winter home in FL. Lately though, hubby is talking about making this move early in 2010. I've mentioned before that his work has been doing layoffs and he fears that he'll be on the next list once the current project he's doing is completed since he doesn't see what else they could have him do. The possibility of moving down there in the next 6-9 months is both exciting and terrifying to me. More on this another day.

Since I was showing Max some love, I felt that Jinx deserved some attention also. You know, not wanting anyone to feel excluded, the good Mom that I am. LOL. This is Jinx, our Long Haired Chihuahua and Pomeranian mix. We got him back when mixed breeds were considered mutts instead of being expensive and given the title "hybrid". I guess these days, he'd be a Pom-a-Chi or something like that. Either way you go about it, he's a pain in the ass, and has the biggest attitude I've ever seen on a little dog...but we love him.

*Admission of something weird* It used to be that the sight of a National Enquirer or some other crap magazine/paper with stories like "so and so predicts the world will end in 20xx" would throw me directly into a panic attack with repercussions that would last for days. I've still not come to terms yet with just why this is so, but I've noticed lately that the dates that were included in all of the predictions are creeping up on us at warp speed. What's your take on it? At least, I think I want to know. LOL. Personally, I'd just like life to go on spinning happily forever...and world peace. LOL. Luckily, thanks to something I like to refer to as Life on Prozac, this no longer sends me over the edge. I just hope it's not true.

I've been in a funk. I need to snap out of it. Everything in my life is suffering from it. Laundry is piling up, dishes aren't getting done, the kitchen floor is a mess, most days, I'm not even getting dressed until like 4:00 p.m. unless I have to for some reason, and my husband is getting annoyed at my lack of participation in the household chores (this annoyance has been going on for years). I'm trying to lose weight, so obviously, this isn't helping with that either. The couch might have a permanent imprint from my ass...I don't know for sure. I've been too lazy to check. I've even been too lazy to do my crafting, which I love. So I must. get. off. my. butt. Maybe I need to start a Meme day for checking in on my activities/weight loss for the week. Wait...I saw one on someone's blog somewhere. The button had a picture of an elephant's badonkabonk on it. Anyone know what I'm talking about? Must find this, stat.

I recently did one of those "Facebook Experiments" that people post. You know, asking people to post a memory of you or something like that. The one was asking people to sum you up in just one word and post it. I was actually surprised by the responses. Out of them like 3 used the word "Gentle". I read that and wasn't sure if it was a positive or a negative. I'm still not sure...but I'm just going to take it as a compliment and go ahead and feel good about the fact that people see me as "gentle."

To read more random thoughts, visit UnMom and all of the links below her post today. Enjoy!

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♪ ♫ ♪ Currently Listening To ♪ ♫ ♪

Be Ok by Ingrid Michaelson

(I absolutely adore her music. She has something for every mood. Check her out!)

Just another Manic Monday

2009-10-05T11:29:00.001-04:00

First, I'd like to thank everyone that's been stopping by my blog to visit and leave comments. I love having new readers and miraculously, I now have 14 followers too! You guys rock!

Second, Otin is a rockstar. Thank you, Otin, for posting a link to my blog on Friday. You totally made my day and I think you also sent me a ton of readers that day. :) Such a good bloggy friend, you are. Everyone make sure to stop by his blog and read some of his stories. He's quite the story teller and the master of twisted endings.

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I've been meaning to post an update to the situation with my disability insurance and my work, but I was afraid that if I did, my blog would turn into a big "woe is me" party and I definitely don't want that. It is, however, at the forefront of my life right now and pretty much consuming most of my thoughts and my days so I should probably just get it off my chest and into the blogosphere. Who knows, maybe some of my awesome readers will have some helpful advice on the situation.

I spoke with someone on the Human Resources team at my office. They wanted me to come back to work on Friday, October 2nd. After speaking with her and letting her know that on Monday morning, before my long-term disability application was denied, I had visited my Ophthalmologist for a follow-up and just as I suspected, the pressure in my brain is creeping back up on me. It's building behind my left eye this time, which I could have told him to begin with considering the symptoms I've been having. After explaining to her that my symptoms are all returning and that my doctor still doesn't want me to work right now, she moved my return to work date to Wednesday, October 7th. She thought this would give me time to appeal the denial of my disability.

At the end of the week last week, I spoke to a couple attorneys. One specializing in insurance, whom feels we have a strong case to go after the insurance company for the denial of my claim and is going to help me with an appeal. If the appeal doesn't work, then we'll go from there. He also recommended that I talk with another attorney he knows that is an FMLA expert.

I spoke with the FMLA expert and she strongly believes that I should have been offered the chance to use FMLA and that I wasn't. I know that they weren't running FMLA at the same time as my disability because I was never given any FMLA papers to sign. Hopefully, my company will go ahead and work with the attorney and set up FMLA for me with one phone call from the attorney. If not, at $225/hour, I'm afraid of how much this will cost us.

Fortunately, the attorney assisting me with the disability issue is only paid if I am paid by the disability company. At least filing the issue of the FMLA will buy my daughter and I more time on my insurance (3 months) and give us time with the appeal before they expect me back to work.

Speaking of work, I will most definitely not be going back after all of this. There's no way I could. They do not take lightly to their employees coming at them with attorneys. Understandable, but I can't just be let go on a "voluntary termination" because they don't feel like following my doctors orders. My condition was already seriously exacerbated by the fact that I was SO stressed and overworked for about 5 months prior to my leave. There's no way in hell I'll be risking my health and what's left of my vision to go back to work for them. My optical nerves are already shot, or at least I'm told by my Ophthalmologist.

I must admit though, I work for one of the nation's leading mortgage lenders and I am quite hesitant to ruin my name with a company of this size. I'm sure at some point, after my medical condition is under control, they'll be contacted by potential employers and I'm so afraid of what they'd say. I've been there for 7 years and up until now have maintained a fabulous relationship with everyone that I work with. We will see how this ends up.

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On a brighter note...

I finally got a table to put in my craft area. It's not the lovely antique table my mother-in-law wanted to give me and I was going to refurbish, but it's a table and it will work. My husband vetoed the old table from his mom and said he wanted something that will easily fold up (why??? no idea.). So he went to Costco and got me a 4 foot folding table. This will work just fine since I don't really have to worry about protecting the top of it from paint and glue and it will clean easily. Plus, it's kind of the perfect size. It just doesn't have all of the character I was hoping for in my refurbished antique table...but I'm still SUPER excited that I finally have a table to use and can start cracking away at my crafts.

Speaking of crafts...by the end of this month, I will hopefully have 3 etsy shops opened!!! I'm so excited about this. I will be opening one for my jewelry. Another for "repurposed" goods. I have the craving to make art from what would normally be garbage (ex. beads made from recycled newspaper, chicly recovered knick-knacks brought up to date in cool colors and patterns, beads made from old magazines, scarves made from old t-shirts, etc.). I've found some really cool crafting ideas for repurposing online and I can't wait to get started on them. Then my 3rd store will be for my digital designs. I used to design birth announcements, invitations, thank you cards, etc. but my Dell died, and along with it, I lost the program that I used and all of my documents. I'm getting a similar program to do this on my Mac and I'll be opening an Etsy store to sell my digital goods from. I've already been working on the templates for that and can't wait until I can load them into the store and hopefully start selling them!

As I open the stores and create my baubles and art, I'll post updates here on my blog so that all of my bloggy friends can love on my stuff. :) LOL...that is, if it's worthy of your love.

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I'd also like to draw your attention to the bottom of my post. I've been meaning to do this since I started my blog, but kept forgetting. When I saw Organic Meatbag's blog, I remembered this was something I wanted to do. So, Billy, thanks for the reminder.

Since I adore music, I'll be including the song I happened to be listening to while I was writing my blog post. I love to share music...maybe you guys will find something new to love and maybe you can suggest something I haven't discovered yet!

I suppose that's it for now. If you made it through all of that madness...you're a saint and I love you. Thanks for visiting and I hope you have a fabulous day!

♪♫♪ Currently listening to ♪♫♪

Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine

The Twilight fans out there will love this...

Cuddle-worthy or Barftastic? You be the judge...

2009-10-02T10:46:00.001-04:00

My best friend and I like to send each other gross and creepy things we come across on the internet...which you know, there is an ENDLESS supply of. She sent me a link to this site today and I just had to share, cause I'm nice like that. You can thank me later. :)

Nobody can resist a cuddly teddy bear, right? Look at this little guy...

You're probably wondering...but why is he in a jar? Well, that's because this teddy isn't really the cuddly, drag around the house by his arm, type of bear. He's more of a keepsake. He's really one of a kind. Is he made from leather? Why is he shiny? Well, that my friend, is why he's one of a kind. You definitely wouldn't want him to get damaged after all of that work you did to birth him with your baby.

Yup, you heard me right. That there, teddy bear is made from...wait for it...wait for it...placenta. I know, you just puked in your mouth a little bit...don't worry, I did too. Gross, right? I can see why they'd keep him in a jar. Who wants a placenta bears gross ass drug around their house? Blah!

I couldn't imagine who would even want this...well, except for those crazy crazies that thought eating the placenta sounded like a good idea. No offense, to each their own (*coughfreakcough*). I mean, I like peanut butter on my pancakes, so who am I to judge, right?

Anyway, the best part is...you don't even send the placenta away to have this made and sent back to you. Nope. You order a kit and MAKE IT YOURSELF. That way, you're getting the full placenta experience...you get to play with it too.

So, I ask you, the placenta eating, placenta playing, teddy bear making crazies...What's next??? Placenta Play-Dough? Is there no end to this madness?

And if you're so inclined, here's a link to the website featuring it where you can vote on whether is cuddle-worthy or barftastic.

P.S. I'm just as sentimental as the next girl and do keep far more stuff than necessary...but I didn't even know what the heck to do with the scissors the hospital gave us after my husband used them to cut the umbilical cord. LOL

Random Thoughts

2009-09-29T09:50:00.000-04:00

Driving a Smart Car, does not make you a smart person. I've recently had 2 run-ins with Smart Car drivers and in both incidences the driver of the smart car was an absolute moron. Just because your car is small and "zippy" doesn't mean it's invincible and that pulling out into 4 lanes of fast moving traffic just to reach the turn lane on the other side is a smart move. What do think would happen to that tiny little "Smart Car" if it were to get hit by an SUV? I'm just sayin'.

Has anybody else discovered that trying to reason with a toddler is quite comparable to negotiating with a terrorist?

I hate Matrix. Not the movie, that's pretty sweet. The disability insurance company. Just wanted to get that out there and off my chest...again. I won't spend my random Tuesday ranting about it. If you'd like to read more about why...see my last 3 posts.

I need to lose weight. I've been trying, actually. I'll be good for a few days and then completely sabotage my own efforts by bingeing on No-Bake Cookies or Marshmallow Creme Pumpkins...all because I'm stressed, or depressed, or have a bad day, or am breathing.

I recently found a really supportive weight loss group online and I am loving it there. I'm hoping this can help me achieve my goals.

I just bought some paint for my daughter's room. Now I just have to actually paint her room.

I'm still looking for a table to use in what will be my "craft" area. I've been dying to do some crafting and jewelry making, I just haven't had a place to do it. Once I have the table, I'll be creating and "Inspiration Board" and painting a couple walls in loft where my craft area will be. I can't wait to have that all finished. Being creative makes me happy. I need more creativity in my life these days.

I'd love to figure out how to design blog backgrounds and headers. I did make my header, but I totally cheated and used ScrapBlog. I'd love to be able to do this stuff on my own.

Enough rambly ranting and thoughts from me today. If you'd like to hear more random thoughts, visit The UnMom. She is the creator of the genius that is Random Tuesday Thoughts and she's freaking hilarious. Plus her random thoughts today have a link to a pair of boots that I totally want now...but they are WAY out of my shoe budget.

Thanks for visiting and have a great day!

On a brighter note!

2009-09-28T22:53:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention my new look! I was looking for something new to get me through fall and quite possibly even the holidays. After tons of obsessing and looking at the same sights over and over, I finally fell in love with this background from Hot Bliggity Blog. I really wanted a nice header instead of just the generic Blogger header but Hot Bliggety Blog didn't have any so I made my own. I recently learned about scrapblog from another background design website during my days of scouring the internet for something that caught my eye. You should check out both sites, they are great...and I just had to brag a little because I was SO proud of myself for making my own header! Now if only I could figure out how to get the border around it correctly. Hmmmm...oh well. It's not too much of an eyesore.

Have a great night!!!

A Mellowcreme Pumpkin bitchfest

2009-09-28T22:34:00.003-04:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you just have this overwhelming sense of impending doom???

That was me. Almost all day today.

The first part of the day was fine. Munchkin and I hung around the house this morning...which means I spent the morning watching far too much Noggin and Nick Jr for my own good. I also somehow morphed into Nana right before my very own eyes...I spent most of my day as a food pusher...trying to bully my 2 year old into eating. Eating anything. She wanted nothing to do with food today.

Speaking of Nick Jr...does any other adult get as excited as I do when The Ting Ting's come on during the commercial to sing Happy Birthday? No? Okay...so it is just me. Oh well...I love the Ting Ting's.

The doom cloud started to hover around the time of my appointment with my ophthalmologist this afternoon. The appointment went fine aside from the fact that they couldn't do my Visual Field Test since I had Meadow with me. The doctor only confirmed my own suspicions...the swelling is coming back around the optical nerve in my left eye. Luckily, I see my neurologist tomorrow and can talk to her about his recommendation to raise my dose. Also...newsflash...I need to lose weight. Thank you Captain Obvious. Just kidding...I actually love my ophthalmologist, but yeah, I'm a chubster and that's not helping my cause. AT ALL.

After the appointment I felt myself just wanting to crawl in bed and hide from the world, for no apparent reason...which we all know is not an option when home with a toddler. My anxiety was flaring up a touch and I just felt SO sad and couldn't shake that feeling.

My husband called a little later this afternoon with some news from work. Two weeks ago, they did major layoffs and in turn, he was given a promotion. Part of the company he works for is based out of California and the head honcho had some "buddies" in CA that he didn't want to layoff but had nowhere to put them, so today, he brought them here to fill the places of some of the people he'd laid off. Sooooo...the owner of the company decided to give my husband's new position to one of his buddies from California. When the VP's met with DH to discuss this change today, they couldn't tell him enough about how pleased they were with the job he'd been doing and how the department had never been run so efficiently...but they had to do what the big guy in China wanted. So...here's a big F you to Mr. Head Honcho in China. My husband is now more miserable back in his old job than he would have been if you'd laid him off instead. Oh...and to top it all off...due to the news that my husband was being moved back to his old position, 2 of the guys that were under him in his new position walked off the job today because of this changeover in leadership. Have fun replacing them. Douche bags.

That wasn't even the topper to the day. Around 7:30 tonight, I finally heard back from the disability insurance company that was handling my application. IT WAS DENIED. I wanted to kick, and scream, and cry, and stomp my feet, and call her every name in the book...but I didn't. Instead, I bit my tongue and asked what the hell I'm supposed to do now. Apparently, they've decided that even with my lack of peripheral vision, daily migraines, live in a constant mental fog, suffer from dizziness, and the fact that my head might suddenly explode upon the slightest sign of stress*...I could still go back to my job of what she called a "desk jockey." I asked her how they thought this was possible and she said they don't look at my specific job duties, they look at the national standard for someone working in the mortgage industry right now....which she said means someone sits at a desk for 37.5 hours/week. UM....DUDE....How many fucking times do I have to tell you that I was sitting at a desk for 65+ hours a week and my job was HIGH STRESS. What part of "Hi, I'm calling from the mortgage company that you just refinanced through to tell you that we screwed up on your closing figures and I need an additional $6,340 from you. Will that be credit or debit?" sounds like it would be a walk in the park???? Or how about on the days that I did grow a pair and actually called in sick because of my migraines instead of suffering through them, my team leader would incessantly text message me asking me to log-in from home ASAP. Sick days, people...ever heard of them?

I don't understand how she can tell me that they've denied my claim because the doctors they have on staff have reviewed my file and see no reason why I can't go back to my specific job...and then in the same breath, she tells me, they aren't looking at my specific job...but an industry standard. Well, hello...moron, the industry average for mortgage companies probably isn't cranking out the amount of loans as the leading mortgage lender in the nation, now is it? Asinine.

So now I'm left with either 120 or 180 days to appeal...I'm not sure which since I could hardly hear her over my sobbing, the ringing in my ears, and the building pressure level in my brain. I'll receive a letter in the mail explaining it to me though, apparently. Of course, I will be appealing this and my husband even wants to hire an attorney (I have mixed feelings on this)...but I still am feeling pretty hopeless in the whole matter.

She told me that most of the people they deal with are disabled in a way that they will never be able to return to work. I told her that's not what I'm looking for. I'm not trying to be disabled forever. I don't want to be disabled AT ALL. I'm only looking for coverage as long as my doctors see the need to keep me off of work. As long as it takes to get the kinks worked out of my treatment plan and my med dosage adjusted to the correct level so that doing something simple as having this conversation with you won't make me feel like I need to stick a hot poker through my cranium to relieve the pressure.

Sheesh...so there, that was my monday. Now I'm doing what any PMS'ing, depressed, overwhelmed, and generally confused girl would do in this situation. I'm drowning my sorrows from this shitty day in a bag of Brach's Mellowcreme Pumpkins and getting ready to catch up on some shows on my DVR. Obviously, the weight loss battle is on hold for the remainder of the evening in lieu of emotional trauma.

Here's to Tuesday...better than Monday, not as good as Hump Day, but still one day closer to Friday.

Thanks for visiting and for putting up with my whining...again. I'll try not to make a habit of it.

Pressure's Building...

2009-09-26T21:23:00.000-04:00

I mentioned here and here that I have was diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension back in April. Since then, I've been on medication to increase the amount of cerebral fluid that my body disposes of to prevent a buildup of fluid pressure in my brain. I've also had a spinal tap.

The past couple of weeks, I've been slowly feeling like my symptoms are returning. I find myself feeling very "fuzzy" headed and disconnected from what's going on around me. I'm tired quite often and having headaches pretty much daily. About an hour ago, I finally got rid of a headache/migraine that started yesterday afternoon. It even seems like I can FEEL the pressure building back up behind my eyes and my vision, at times, is definitely starting to suffer again.

Luckily, I have doctors appointments with my Ophthalmologist and Neurologist this week, which couldn't have come at a better time. I'll definitely be talking to them about this. Perhaps I need another spinal tap or maybe my dosage of meds needs to be increased. Last time I saw my Ophthalmologist, he wanted to raise my dose of Diamox to see if my Field of Vision test would improve at my next appointment. He sent a letter to my Neurologist with his recommendation, but she didn't agree. I'll be bringing this up to her this week. As it stands, I've lost a good amount of my peripheral vision and at times that I'm stressed, it's even worse. I'd hate for this to spread even more.

***********

On a similar, but separate topic...I'd like to bitch a little bit. I've been off work for all of this, on doctors orders, since the 1st week of April. My job is very stressful and quick paced and I was working 60+ hours/week when all of this happened...so naturally, since I need to be stressed as little as possible to work on this, the doctors have had me off work. Luckily, I am offered both short-term and long-term disability insurance through my employer.

Now, I don't have much experience in dealing with disability insurance companies. As it is, the only other time I've utilized this insurance is for my maternity leave and that was only the short-term disability. The short-term disability has proven to be a piece of cake to handle. They fax forms to my doctors, my doctors fill them out and fax them back. Easy peasy (or however the hell you spell that).

The long-term disability insurance, however, has proven to be nothing short of a PAIN IN MY FREAKING ASS. I kid you not. They received my application about early to mid July. I was told it would take 4-6 weeks for review...but that they usually have it done closer to 4 weeks. We are now on week 11 and I still done freaking know if it's approved or not. WEEK 11, people.

This means I haven't received any money since the 1st week of July. Nearly 3 damn months without getting paid. You have GOT to be freaking KIDDING ME! It's been a train wreck of a process with no end in sight.

A quick run-down...
The get my app and I receive a voicemail saying it was received and given a time-frame for review. I call at the end of that timeframe and leave a voicemail for my contact and receive no call back. I speak to my HR Team at work and am told that the rep that handles our companies disability applications has been fired from the insurance company which is why I wasn't receiving a call back. They give me the name and # for our new contact. I call and leave her a voicemail asking what the heck is going on. I receive a call back from not the new insurance rep, but my original insurance rep. She was not fired...she was out on medical leave herself. Whomever was taking care of my file in her absence dropped the damn ball. So she says she'll get right to work on it and will have an answer for me in a week. Her answer...she needs copies of all of the tests and information from all of my doctors. That was like 4 weeks ago.

DUDE! All of this CRAPTASTIC lack of communication and passing the buck does NOTHING for keeping my stress levels down. Not to mention...not getting paid for 3 months, with a toddler at home, an already tight budget, and a husband that works in the auto industry...NOT STRESSFUL AT ALL. Maybe next they'll decide to just take my health insurance away too. That would be a lot of fun.

I personally think they've just been jerking me around because my doctor's appointments were coming up soon and they wanted to see what the doctors say because about 3-4 weeks ago, the person I've been speaking with said she thinks they'll only be able to approve to to the date of my next appointment instead of to October 31st, which is when my doctor has currently written me off work until...and that's only depending upon my test results this week.

My husband thinks I should contact an attorney.

If I am not back to work by the 1st week of January, my employment will be "voluntarily terminated". If I contact an attorney...I'm pretty damn sure I'll be fired anyway. What's a girl to do?

I'm just so overwhelmed with all of this and don't know what I should do.

I do realize that I'm whining my ass off and that there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse than I do, and for that, I'm sorry. I just feel like this is why we pay so much in insurance to our employer. These benefits are part of our compensation package...and here I am, when I finally need them after working there for 7 years, using them is like pulling teeth. I've been told by some of my co-workers that have had to deal with the long-term disability insurance that they've had to deal with the same crap, so I know it's not just me.

In reality, I am thankful that I even have health insurance through my employer...and even disability insurance which I gather is hard to come by. I know most people don't even have that. I also realize that finding affordable health insurance privately is nearly impossible and this is a challenge I could very well be faced with, should I be fired or "voluntarily terminated" from my position at work. (Please tell me how it's "voluntary" if you don't want it?????)

If you happened to actually read all of that, thank you, you're fabulous and I envy your patience.

I'm stepping down from my soapbox now. Thanks for listening.

Aloha Friday...Fall Foods!

2009-09-25T13:39:00.003-04:00

Each Friday, Kailani, over at http://www.islandlife808.com/ hosts a wonderful meme called Aloha Friday. It's the end of the week, a chance to relax and get ready for the weekend. To celebrate Aloha Friday, you ask a question and answer others' questions.

My question for this week:

With fall here, what food have you been wanting to have or cook simply because it screams fall to you?

My answer:

I can't wait to have fresh donuts and apple cider from the cider mill and I've been dying to make a big pot of chili. I love chili!

Thanks for visiting and have a great weekend!

Parenting, Gummy worms, and Followers...oh my!

2009-09-24T12:51:00.003-04:00

This might be a lengthy one! I've got a lot to say. LOL.

I want to thank everyone that responded to my question on the Aloha Friday post last week. I loved all of the advice and comments that I received and I've taken it all to heart.

I've been especially consistent in my discipline with Meadow and it's helped a lot. Before, if it was something tiny and insignificant (like a handful raisins she'd dumped on the floor - on purpose), I would ask her a few times to clean them up, try a time-out, then if that didn't work, I'd give in and clean them up myself because it didn't seem worth it to ruin our whole day over spilled raisins. I see now that I was letting her have her way when I did that and I was working against myself. So, I've been sticking to my guns!

I've also been careful not to raise my voice. My husband mentioned that he noticed that when I raise my voice, she gets worse because she knew she had pushed the right buttons...and this seems to be helping as well. Of course, we've had some battles and hours here and there that haven't gone well...AT ALL...but the last 2 days have been great. I can only think that it has to do with the advice I received from you guys. Oh the joys of motherhood! At least we're not in it alone! :)

**********

I'd also like to thank my followers. The 5 of you know who you are and I love knowing that you are paying attention. It lets me know that I'm not talking to myself, lol, and that someone is actually listening to what I say. This means a lot to me.

I lost a follower yesterday and this made me kind of sad. I realize it was probably my own fault. I don't think I had posted since last Friday...and I'm sorry. I have noticed though, that other blogs have mentioned that Blogger has been goofing up and dropping them as followers on things they didn't request to be dropped from. So, former follower, if this is the case, I hope you find me again. Either way...thanks for stopping by for a bit and supporting me.

**********

So my best friend is a freaking genius. GENIUS, I tell ya. I've been trying on and off, unsuccessfully, to potty train Meadow. She'd go on the potty now and then, but nothing consistent. Last week I was talking to my friend and she said I should try using candy as an incentive. I was a little hesitant because Meadow rarely gets candy so I knew she'd go nutso over it...but stickers, stamps, and the potty chart weren't working anymore so I didn't really know what else to do.

The other day, she didn't have a diaper on cause she had a little rash and I was trying to let her bottom get some air. All of a sudden she started panicking and asking for a diaper. Instead, I asked her to sit on the potty and she basically refused. Here I am, holding her and I KNOW she has to pee and I'm trying to get her on the potty and she's pushing away from it with all her might. Finally, I panicked and yelled "I'll give you candy!!" LOL. Oh my lord...she sat RIGHT down and peed on the potty...thank God...because for a minute there, I really thought she was going to pee all over me instead.

So yesterday I decided to focus on potty training all day. It went FABULOUSLY. Yeah, I spent every 5 minutes camped on the floor by the bathroom waiting patiently for her to go pee-pee...but it was totally worth it. Apparently, she LOVES gummy worms because within 10 minutes of finishing one, she wanted to try to go potty again. I rewarded her with a gummy worm at even the slightest sound of a tinkle, because I didn't want to discourage her at all. And yeah, she hardly ate any real food yesterday until dinner because she filled up on gummy worms...but the day was a huge success otherwise.

We're trying some more today and so far so good. No accidents today and she's only asking to try the potty when she actually has to go, which is GREAT! I'm very proud of my little pumpkin. I do hate the cost of diapers...but the fact that she might be out of them very quickly here does make me a tiny bit sad. My little girl is getting so big so fast! Where does time go?

1 Month Old 2 1/2 Years Old

Thanks for visiting us! :)

Up For Discussion...

2009-09-24T10:47:00.000-04:00

So I've been doing some thinking about security and blogging and such.

I'm looking for some opinions on this. I realize this can be a hot topic and that it's not something everyone agrees on, but I'm not quite sure where I stand on this subject yet.

Of course, I'm kind of (severe understatement) a blog addict and read tons on a daily basis. I notice that some people blog anonymously. Some people use their information, but not their kids real names. Some are comfortable posting pictures of their children only if they are watermarked. Some do not give any personal information whatsoever while others bare all.

It's made me start to wonder...my daughter and I both have somewhat uncommon names. Should I be using nicknames for us? Or at least for her? Should I be watermarking my pictures...or maybe not post pictures of her at all? She is cute and I can't help but share her cuteness with the world...but am I doing something wrong by doing so? If I was to switch to a nickname for at least her, is it too late for that or do I just go back and change her name in all of the posts?

A large part of me feels safe and comfortable in my little internet environment and that nothing bad will happen by my sharing of our lives...but there's a teeny tiny piece of me that can't help but wonder "what if."

As you can see, this is something that I'm quite unsure of and I'd really appreciate the input of fellow bloggers. Leave a comment and let me know how you feel!

Aloha Friday...toddler advice!

2009-09-18T08:17:00.001-04:00

I was told about Aloha Friday by a fellow blogger (thanks Otin!!!) when I posted a couple days ago about my toddler and our troubles with the terrible two's.

I checked out Aloha Friday on IslandLife808 and decided to participate. It looks like a lot of fun and a great way to meet some other bloggers like myself. Plus, a lot of them are mommies too!

Aloha Friday is where you post a question and everyone can answer and include a link to their own question on their blog.

For my first Aloha Friday post, I'd like to ask for some parenting advice. If you'd like to read my rant from 2 days ago, click here. Those of you that don't want to read the other post, I'll ask just a generic question for you. You can still help me without the backstory. :)

How do you deal with the Terrible Two's? The tantrums, saying no, pretty much ignoring what you say to them, the button pushing and the boundary testing? I just want to enjoy my days home with my daughter but that's been so hard lately because an hour of torture can ruin what was a completely good day. Time-outs don't seem to be working...what other options are there? Is there a book you'd recommend? Any tactics that work for you?

Thanks so much for responding. I look forward to your answers and also to visiting your blogs and responding to your questions!

So cute!

2009-09-17T08:23:00.000-04:00

I just have to tell you this cute story...especially after my ranting post yesterday. LOL.

Meadow and I were watching Diego before bed last night. It was an episode where Diego was being chased by bees. Meadow looked at me and said "Mommy, bees chasing Diego." and I said "Oh no! Not bees!"

So she walks over to me, puts her hands on my cheeks and says "Oh Mommy. Don't be scared. It's ok."

Completely made me melt. Such a sweetie sometimes. That, right there, made my entire day.

When did my 2 year old turn 14???

2009-09-16T14:47:00.001-04:00

Let me preface this with, I love her to pieces...but that doesn't mean she doesn't make me want to rip my hair out sometimes.

Mom's have to pee. We can't help it. It seems that no matter how quickly I get in and out of the bathroom...she manages to do something she completely shouldn't have done while I'm in there. Even if she's got her TV face on and watching Dora when I go in there. It's like there's a buzzer that goes off to let her know I'm in the bathroom and now would be the time to go ahead and try whatever it is she's been scheming up all day.

Today, I had to pee. While I was doing this, she decided she was going to go outside. By herself. We live in a condo and by the time I could get my pants up and out the door to catch her, she was 2 condo units down bouncing her ball on the neighbor's patio. In her diaper. I send her inside, take her ball away, explain to her that she KNOWS she isn't allowed outside by herself or off the deck by herself (which has a child safety gate that she can maneuver) and put her in time out. While she's in time out, she's screaming at the top of her lungs. Not crying...just screaming to make noise and be obnoxious. My neighbors must think I beat her or something. Everytime I tell her to stop screaming, she tells me no. She's spitting at me everytime I look away. Anything she can to push my buttons. This whole time, my blood pressure is just rising and rising.

What the heck do you do???? She's 2 1/2. She knows she's doing something bad but telling her to stop and time out isn't working. I just don't know what else to do. Next she'll probably be flipping me off when I put her in time-out.

The funny thing is...she doesn't do ANY of this when Daddy is home. I've seriously considered video taping her little daytime charades just so that he can see what happens when he's not home and that I do everything that I can think of to resolve it. He's constantly telling me "I can't believe you let a 2 year old get you so worked up." or "She's 2. Don't let her get the best of you." He just doesn't get it. She only acts up slightly when Daddy is home...I think he thinks I'm grossly exaggerating when I tell him how she behaves while he's gone.

Don't get me wrong...sometimes 1/2 of our day goes great! We don't have any temper tantrums, no screaming, no time outs, and she listens to me...which is wonderful because then I don't get frustrated. She can sometimes be an angel. When she's an angel...I feel so bad for the times that I get so so so so frustrated with her that I don't know what to do.

So what do you do? How do you get your toddler to respect you and listen to you like they do for their father? I know I'm not the only Mom that goes through this. And I know that it's not just a toddler thing. I have a sister that's 9 and my Mom still goes through this with her. My sister openly admits that she listens for her dad, but not her mom. Why? What's a mom to do? I'm at a loss here.

I want my daughter and I to have good days together. I don't want to spend 1/2 the day feeling like I'm talking to myself when I ask her to do something. Or having to threaten with time out to get the simplest things done. I want us to be able to enjoy the day and have fun...and she's making this so hard for me to accomplish. Or maybe it's me making it hard to accomplish. Either way...I'd love to hear any opinions or advice or even if you just want to commiserate. Leave a comment and let me know.

Random Thoughts

2009-09-12T09:24:00.000-04:00

There are SO many books on my "want to read" list. I used to secretly wish that I would have a minor surgery or something that would ban me to bed rest for a week or two so that I could just lay in bed and read for the entire time. I realize this sounds completely selfish and crazy.

I kind of hate myself for not accomplishing any of the things that I wanted to take care of while I've been off of work for the last 5+ months. Complete and utter laziness on my part. Wish I could go back to April and start over again with some ambition this time. I have been the queen of procrastination and time wasting lately.

I could spend ALL DAY reading blogs or browsing the net. Addiction? Slightly, perhaps.

There are times when Meadow will have me at my wits end and I feel like my head is going to explode. Then she'll do something super sweet like walk over and rub her hand across my cheek and say "Oh Mommy," or ask me to hold her, or make a cheesy face like the one below and then I melt into complete mush. I think she knows that she has this power over me. That's kind of scary. LOL.

I really miss living close to our family and friends. Especially now that I'm not working and actually have time to spend with people. While I like where we live now, I sometimes wish we could go back. I know that financially, that wouldn't work for us though.

I've been reconnecting with some old friends on Facebook lately. Friends from high school...people that were very important to me at that time in my life and I've missed them since. It feels really nice to catch up with them.

It would be really nice to find a "couple" friend that hubby and I could hang out with. It seems that we can never find a couple to hang out with that we both like equally and have the same interests as us.

I've been secretly (or maybe not so secretly) drooling over this desk from Ikea for like 2 years now. It would be perfect for all of my crafting and artsy stuff.

Earlier this week, a 5 year old girl was shot in the face during a shooting in my hometown. It was a domestic dispute between the mom of the girl and her boyfriend from another town. Things like that do not happen in my hometown...and the fact that it was a 5 year old girl that was the victim in all of this has been haunting me all week. What in the hell is the world coming to? Luckily, according to the press, she was shot in the jaw and will be fine. The poor innocent little baby.

In my blog reading obsession, I've discovered a lot of craft projects I'd like to tackle soon. I find myself most drawn to the crafts that are recycling old things that would normally go to the garbage. Like making beads from newspaper or magazines, jewelry from old stray buttons, and scarfs from a t-shirt. A theme for a future business venture? We'll see!

Don't tell anyone, but I love mindless video games. I could spend weekends at a time playing things like The Sims. It's kind of embarrassing. Aren't those games for teens? Luckily, I don't have free weekends to waste like this or there'd be a permanent butt imprint in my couch.

Well, that was embarrassing!

2009-09-11T15:46:00.001-04:00

So Meadow and I had a fairly relaxed morning. Had breakfast, did a little laundry, and then kitchen clean-up. By lunch-time, there are toys all over the living room, the lunch dishes are on the counter, along with a few empty jugs and stuff that I had emptied from the fridge, the table is still a mess.

I usually take care of this stuff while Meadow naps after lunch. Nap time rolls around and we wander upstairs to get that going. After being up there for about 45 minutes, she still isn't asleep...mind you, I'm in her room this whole time because I can't get her to sleep otherwise (I know, I've broken her. Bad mom.). All of a sudden the doorbell rings several times and it's my husband. He had brought a coworker home to see some things that he's selling.

So there I am, in all my glory, at 12:45 PM, holding the door open for hubby and his coworker. No make-up. Still in my pajamas...which means no bra (very much necessary for DD's). Not only am I in my pajamas, but they are also dirty since my little princess decided to share her sticky lunch hands with my shirt.

Mortified doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. Stay-at-home mom/housewife epic failure. I can only imagine how embarrassed my husband must have been. He's worked with this guy for about 6 years...I've met him and his wife several times before and they both always look their best.

On a daily basis, I normally take care of all of my tidying around 4:00 so that it's still clean when my husband gets home. He doesn't know this though. LOL. I guess my secret's been spoiled.

Now, I've done a mad dash around the house: dusting, laundry, cleaned kitchen, dishwasher loaded, beds made, Meadow's room cleaned, loft straightened, toys picked up, etc.

My sister-in-law is coming over soon with my nephew and we're going to the park so the kids can play together. We rarely see them these days now that we live an hour away and this is their first time to our new place and.........she's a neat freak. LOL. I would have been SO embarrassed if she had walked into this morning's show also.

SO...what lesson did I learn here? I must start getting out of my pajamas in the AM. LOL. Oh, and I should keep the house up (all day) to a point where I wouldn't be mortified if we got a drop-in.

We should have fun at the park. Meadow's cousin is exactly 3 weeks older than her and they usually have a blast together. Although, her Uncle Mark won't be here this time to toss the kids around. LOL. Here's a picture of Meadow and Tyler nearly a year ago. Maybe I'll post an updated picture tomorrow.

(Playing on the floor at Grandma's house)

(Meadow kissing Ty. Ignore the mess. They just had lunch and it must have been yummy.)

Okay...I'm off! Have to go make myself look presentable. :) Hope you have a great day!

Accomplishments, one check mark at a time!

2009-09-09T14:19:00.003-04:00

I've mentioned before that trying to be more organized and a better "homemaker" (there I go cringing again! lol) are things that I'm constantly struggling with.

A few weeks ago, I decided to go online for inspiration. Let's be honest though, I didn't have to "go" online. I'm always online...but anyhoo...that's another addiction for another day's discussion.

I went online and did searches for stay-at-home-mom schedules or chore charts for housekeepers our something along those lines. After sifting and sifting and sifting through piles of links that weren't exactly what I was looking for, I finally found one that seemed just right for me.

What I found is a daily list of suggested things to focus on. The brilliance of it is that it's done in year's format so it even includes things that you normally forget about, like changing the furnace filter and stuff like that. I loved the fact that it included things like "clean out and organize purse"...seriously...I never do this and I'm always thinking, "oh, I should do that." Because it showed up on my list though, it's done!

I had to pay for this one, as opposed to the several I found that were free, but it seemed worth it as all of the others I would have had to take the time to re-type and revise to fit what I needed. The chart I got though, only cost me $4.00! Not bad, right?

You get it immediately when you buy it as it is an ebook, so no pacing by the door waiting for UPS (come on, we all do this, right?). It is in the form of a planner. You can get it in several different variations including a full page/day, half a page/day, one week/page, etc. Whatever suits you best. The website offers examples of each so that you can look at a preview and see what you seem most comfortable with. Once you decide, you simply download it and print it out. You can even pop it into an actual planner if you choose the 1/2 page formats. If you've always wanted to take time out to read the bible cover to cover, there are even options you can choose that will help you accomplish this in a year.

Since I've started using this, I look at my day the night before and cross off anything that doesn't apply to our household. Then I add anything else I need to take care of. Everyday, I tape my day to a kitchen cupboard so that it's there as a reminder all day and I can walk past and check things off as they get done. I can't even tell you how good it feels to check those little boxes off! LOL. Even if it is just making my bed...it's a good productive start to my day and a step in the right direction.

Here is an example of the one that I purchased:

Normally, these planners are $8.00 but since the year is more than 1/2 over, she has them marked down to $4.00. Even at $8.00, I still plan on purchasing another for 2010 (yikes that's not too far away!).

Please take a minute to visit her site using the link below. You might just find what you've been needing to help you gain control of your days.

I feel I should also let you know that I love this tool so much that I've joined their affiliate program. If anyone purchases one of these planners using the links from my site, I receive $1.00 for the sale. I felt it wouldn't be honest of me to not share that information.

I hope someone else is able to find this information useful! Is there anything you've been looking for that might help you? Maybe I can find it for you.

A little more on me...

2009-09-08T13:32:00.000-04:00

As a continuation of this post, I thought I'd share some more info about myself.

I talked in the last post about work and also the disease I was recently diagnosed with.

Part of what you'll probably see me talking about on here is weight loss. A major factor in treating the symptoms of Intracranial Hypertension is losing weight. I think I definitely have a skewed body image because I don't consider myself to be overweight to the point that it would be something to effect my health in a large scale way. Yeah, I knew losing weight was something that I needed to work on (and has always been a battle for me) but I don't think of myself as "obese" or anything like that. Also, I often still "feel" sexy or pretty or whatever, so long as I don't look in the mirror from the waist down or see a picture of myself. LOL. I think this is something that many women probably deal with as well. What about you?

I'm also recently interested in getting back to the "old" me. I used to be so creative and artsy and full of life and energy. Most days, I feel as if my energy has been sapped and I just want to slug around all day. When you have a toddler...this is a hard frame of mind to have! LOL. I know part of it is depression. I am currently on medication for this and probably will be for a long time (if not forever) and I'm okay with that.

I've always been a messy person. My husband is a neat freak of sorts...he can't relax in the evening if there are toys everywhere or if there is a sink full of dishes. It drives him nuts. Me? I can relax next to a sink full of dishes. LOL. I'm just not one of those people. Since I've been home with my daughter while I've been on medical leave, I've really been trying to become more of a "homemaker." That word has always kind of made me cringe and generate mental pictures of Leave it to Beaver or something like that...but I'm getting over this. LOL. I'm trying to become more organized and tidy. Trying to find a purpose in my days.

I know that when I stopped working all of a sudden, I sort of felt "lost." Why is it that we tend to define ourselves by what we do??? Then once what we do is no longer, we don't know what to do with ourselves? This is what I'm working on. I need to learn to take care of me...which has always felt selfish before but I realize that it's necessary now. I need my creative time to do things that I love and help me feel balanced inside so that I can not feel so lost when it comes time for me to take care of everyone else.

Here I am at home with this fun and spunky 2 1/2 year old girl and I just kind of don't know what to do with myself. We laze around most days. Every now and then I must up the energy for the park or the splash pad and she loves that...but it's not often. I love my daughter to pieces and I know that there is this whole other side of myself that I'm not sharing with her...I know that exercising my creative side is going to allow me to share it with her better. She loves to paint and draw and color...just like I do...and I need to allow her to spread her wings more in this area.

Part of what I have such a hard time with is balancing. I'm so overwhelmed by the fact that I have all these things that I need to focus on each day (being a good mommy, a good homemaker, time for myself, family time, etc.) that I kind of freeze up and do nothing because I don't know how to do all of them well all at the same time. Anyone else have this problem? I know that being a stay at home mom is hard work...I'm sure most mothers go through something like this at the beginning. Any tips you'd like to share? Or am I alone is this? LOL

So as you can see, this blog will be a hodge podge of me. Weight loss, overcoming health issues and depression, creative outlets, art, family, parenting and motherhood, organization and homemaking, cooking, and living a more balanced life. Feel free to share any tips or tricks you might have that you think could help me...as you can see, I need all the help I can get! :)

So...there you have it...a little more of my rambling.

Some background on me...

2009-09-06T10:40:00.004-04:00

I've worked for the same company for 7 years now. I loved it for the first 6 years or so. I'd moved along well in the company and had been doing things that I enjoyed. Then all of a sudden the economy took the dreaded turn for the worst. They did major layoffs just over a year ago and work hasn't been the same since.

After the layoffs, they decided that they were going to "restructure" a bit and in that restructure, they decided the team that I was on and loved (I seriously ♥'d this position) wasn't necessary any longer. So they took the people from my team and they moved us to other areas in the company where our expertise were needed. I was moved to a team, which I loved (my peeps rocked) but I hated the job. It just wasn't me. It didn't allow me to stretch my creative brain and I literally dreaded going to work in the morning.

After being on that team for a few months, I expressed a need for a change and was moved to a different team. The main part of my job was calling clients and admitting that our company had made an error in their transaction and this error meant that they actually owed us X amount of dollars. That X could range anywhere from $30 - $10,000 (or even more). They felt that with my strong communication and client focus background that I would do well with this and they desperately needed help on this team. Sure...I did ok with it...but I freaking *hated* it. The nice part of that position is that it allowed me to work from home 2+ days a week.

Anyway...after being in that position for 4 months and dreading every minute of my work...I started to have some health problems. For a little while, I brushed them off, thinking it was just stress. I was having migraines almost daily (I'd had migraines for years, but not on a daily basis), I begun having visual disturbances, I could hear my pulse in my ears, and I was tired ALL the time. The visual disturbances were what finally made me go to the doctor. I was seeing spots (typical of a migraine, right?), and those progressed to lines in my vision, and then complete blind spots in my vision. At times, I would stand up and lose my vision completely for about 60 seconds. When I started to notice that my peripheral vision was blurry or sometimes gone altogether is when I finally decided to go to the doctor. I still thought it was just stress because it was 10x worse while I was working. During that time, I was working 60+ hours/week, working late into the night, and barely sleeping or getting a break. It was next to impossible to even get a day off.

When I went to the doctor, she wrote me off work for a week (thank God, a time-off request they couldn't deny!) and sent me in for a slew of tests. My doctor, knowing that I have this long history of migraines, didn't want to brush it off as stress.

After about 3 weeks of tests, several different specialists, and a little bit of worrying, I was finally given a diagnosis. I was told that I have a disease called Intracranial Hypertension, also referred to as Pseudotumor Cerebri. It is basically high fluid pressure within your head caused by a build up of excessive cerebral fluid. My body was either producing too much cerebral fluid or not disposing properly of extra cerebral fluid. They still do not know what causes this disease, nor is there a cure for it. They simply know how to treat the symptoms. The treatment, for me, so far includes: a spinal tap to relieve the pressure, medication, drinking lots of water (due to medication), and trying to lose weight (I've got a little junk in my trunk). Worst case scenario, the treatment moves on to a drain running from your brain to your abdomen to allow the excess cerebral fluid to drain (internally, of course). Obviously, this is what my doctors and I are trying to avoid.

So far, so good. The medication seems to be helping and the spinal tap offered almost immediate relief of the pressure. Prior to that, at times it felt like my head might explode. I have my field of vision checked pretty much monthly and it hasn't changed yet...no improvement on my peripheral vision. The visual problems that come along with this disease are caused by the pressure building around the optical nerves and choking them out (called papilledema).

I still have headaches almost daily (though they aren't migraine level anymore), I can still feel pressure in my head at times, and my vision is still not back to normal but I'm okay with this. In the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty lucky to have my vision considering the doctor thinks I've had this for years and it's gone unnoticed/untreated. For that, I am grateful.

Blogging Dreams

2009-09-06T09:26:00.001-04:00

You know you've been spending too much time reading blogs when you're dreaming about them. Perhaps I need an intervention?

Here's to sweet blogging dreams!

A letter to Mom...

2009-09-05T15:06:00.001-04:00

Dear Mom,

Thanks for sending me home with some of the leftover food from our camping trip a fews days ago. I must ask though...why, for the love of God, did you have to include the rest of the Oreo's? Do you not know where my weaknesses lie???? Forget the carrots and the celery taking up space in my fridge, if there's Oreo's in my cupboards, they haunt me until they are gone. They call out to me in my sleep and I've even heard them whisper to me when I walk past the kitchen. They are, indeed, evil.

I must admit that I owe a thank you to my husband though. He must have found said Oreo's when scavenging through the kitchen for a late night snack. When I pulled them out today while Meadow was napping (because why would I want to subject her to the horror of my obsession?!?) I discovered that there were only a handful left...thank God.

Your loving daughter,

Me
(You know, the one that is trying to watch what she's eating. Yeah, that one.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there you have it. My weakness has been exposed. What's yours?

Must give a shout out...

2009-09-05T11:41:00.001-04:00

As you can see, I started this blog in June and haven't touched it since. I've kind of been at a loss on where to go with it and felt really uninspired. A couple days ago I decided to start looking for a cute blog design for it because I thought that might help me want to use it instead of the boring templates that are offered by Blogger (sorry Blogger, I speak the truth!).

In my search, I stumbled upon the cutest blog design site: Butterflygirlms Blog Designs, by Heather. What really caught my attention was the whimsical look of her designs and the fact that you can tell she does this because she loves it. The best part...her designs are free to use. Yes folks, I said free! I love that word.

After choosing a design out of the many cute ones, I followed her easy instructions and installed the template. I did something wrong though (I think because I had a template loaded prior to that from a different site) and didn't know how to fix it. I noticed that Heather had her email address on her site so I sent her a quick email asking if she'd mind helping me.

Not only did she fix the problem that I was having, but she stayed up far past midnight fixing it. The problem was with the text in my header. She fixed it, but she wasn't satisfied with the way it was aligned so she went so far as to make me a custom header to fix it and then loaded that into my site for me!

I've always had an interest in design and during my template search, thought to myself that it would be really cool to be able to design templates, backgrounds, and headers myself. I love doing things like that but wasn't sure where to start. Heather was more than happy to give me some pointers and links to websites that had tutorials on how to get started so I could teach myself.

Please take a minute to visit Heather's site by using the link above or clicking on the button for her site in my sidebar...you won't be disappointed.

Heather, thank you so much for going out of your way to help me. You're a rock star! I really appreciate it!

And so it begins...

2009-06-27T07:38:00.003-04:00

With this being my first blog post, I'm not quite sure what it should entail. I guess I'll tell you a bit about what I want this blog to be.

Everyone seems to have that person in their life that is filled with random knowledge or ideas. In my circle of friends and family...I am that person. When someone is in search of a product or website to fulfill a specific need, they call me. If someone is looking for the next book they should pick up, I'm usually the person they ask. When someone wants to know if there's a website out there that does x, y, and z...they look to me. I think you get the picture. All that this really proves is that I'm kind of a dork and I spend entirely too much time online. I'm okay with that. LOL

So I figured that all of this random knowledge that I've picked up might be useful to others aside from my friends and family...and thus the birth of Inner Medley. I've never blogged before so please bear with me while I find my voice and become more comfortable with this!

I feel I should also warn you that I'm a pretty random person. LOL. You will also find posts here about my daily life, motherhood, routines, crafts, music, television and movies...you get the point. Anything that happens to be my obsession at the moment. :-)

Thanks for visiting and I hope to see you again soon!