A Mellowcreme Pumpkin bitchfest

Do you ever have one of those days where you just have this overwhelming sense of impending doom???

That was me.  Almost all day today.

The first part of the day was fine.  Munchkin and I hung around the house this morning...which means I spent the morning watching far too much Noggin and Nick Jr for my own good.  I also somehow morphed into Nana right before my very own eyes...I spent most of my day as a food pusher...trying to bully my 2 year old into eating.  Eating anything.  She wanted nothing to do with food today.

Speaking of Nick Jr...does any other adult get as excited as I do when The Ting Ting's come on during the commercial to sing Happy Birthday?  No?  Okay...so it is just me.  Oh well...I love the Ting Ting's.

The doom cloud started to hover around the time of my appointment with my ophthalmologist this afternoon.  The appointment went fine aside from the fact that they couldn't do my Visual Field Test since I had Meadow with me.  The doctor only confirmed my own suspicions...the swelling is coming back around the optical nerve in my left eye.  Luckily, I see my neurologist tomorrow and can talk to her about his recommendation to raise my dose.  Also...newsflash...I need to lose weight.  Thank you Captain Obvious.  Just kidding...I actually love my ophthalmologist, but yeah, I'm a chubster and that's not helping my cause.  AT ALL.

After the appointment I felt myself just wanting to crawl in bed and hide from the world, for no apparent reason...which we all know is not an option when home with a toddler.  My anxiety was flaring up a touch and I just felt SO sad and couldn't shake that feeling.

My husband called a little later this afternoon with some news from work.  Two weeks ago, they did major layoffs and in turn, he was given a promotion.  Part of the company he works for is based out of California and the head honcho had some "buddies" in CA that he didn't want to layoff but had nowhere to put them, so today, he brought them here to fill the places of some of the people he'd laid off.  Sooooo...the owner of the company decided to give my husband's new position to one of his buddies from California.  When the VP's met with DH to discuss this change today, they couldn't tell him enough about how pleased they were with the job he'd been doing and how the department had never been run so efficiently...but they had to do what the big guy in China wanted.  So...here's a big F you to Mr. Head Honcho in China.  My husband is now more miserable back in his old job than he would have been if you'd laid him off instead.  Oh...and to top it all off...due to the news that my husband was being moved back to his old position, 2 of the guys that were under him in his new position walked off the job today because of this changeover in leadership.  Have fun replacing them.  Douche bags.

That wasn't even the topper to the day.  Around 7:30 tonight, I finally heard back from the disability insurance company that was handling my application.  IT WAS DENIED.  I wanted to kick, and scream, and cry, and stomp my feet, and call her every name in the book...but I didn't.  Instead, I bit my tongue and asked what the hell I'm supposed to do now.  Apparently, they've decided that even with my lack of peripheral vision, daily migraines, live in a constant mental fog, suffer from dizziness, and the fact that my head might suddenly explode upon the slightest sign of stress*...I could still go back to my job of what she called a "desk jockey."  I asked her how they thought this was possible and she said they don't look at my specific job duties, they look at the national standard for someone working in the mortgage industry right now....which she said means someone sits at a desk for 37.5 hours/week.  UM....DUDE....How many fucking times do I have to tell you that I was sitting at a desk for 65+ hours a week and my job was HIGH STRESS.  What part of "Hi, I'm calling from the mortgage company that you just refinanced through to tell you that we screwed up on your closing figures and I need an additional $6,340 from you. Will that be credit or debit?" sounds like it would be a walk in the park????  Or how about on the days that I did grow a pair and actually called in sick because of my migraines instead of suffering through them, my team leader would incessantly text message me asking me to log-in from home ASAP.  Sick days, people...ever heard of them?

I don't understand how she can tell me that they've denied my claim because the doctors they have on staff have reviewed my file and see no reason why I can't go back to my specific job...and then in the same breath, she tells me, they aren't looking at my specific job...but an industry standard.  Well, hello...moron, the industry average for mortgage companies probably isn't cranking out the amount of loans as the leading mortgage lender in the nation, now is it?  Asinine.

So now I'm left with either 120 or 180 days to appeal...I'm not sure which since I could hardly hear her over my sobbing, the ringing in my ears, and the building pressure level in my brain.  I'll receive a letter in the mail explaining it to me though, apparently.  Of course, I will be appealing this and my husband even wants to hire an attorney (I have mixed feelings on this)...but I still am feeling pretty hopeless in the whole matter.

She told me that most of the people they deal with are disabled in a way that they will never be able to return to work.  I told her that's not what I'm looking for.  I'm not trying to be disabled forever.  I don't want to be disabled AT ALL.  I'm only looking for coverage as long as my doctors see the need to keep me off of work.  As long as it takes to get the kinks worked out of my treatment plan and my med dosage adjusted to the correct level so that doing something simple as having this conversation with you won't make me feel like I need to stick a hot poker through my cranium to relieve the pressure.

Sheesh...so there, that was my monday.  Now I'm doing what any PMS'ing, depressed, overwhelmed, and generally confused girl would do in this situation.  I'm drowning my sorrows from this shitty day in a bag of Brach's Mellowcreme Pumpkins and getting ready to catch up on some shows on my DVR.  Obviously, the weight loss battle is on hold for the remainder of the evening in lieu of emotional trauma.

Here's to Tuesday...better than Monday, not as good as Hump Day, but still one day closer to Friday.

Thanks for visiting and for putting up with my whining...again.  I'll try not to make a habit of it.